On Mourning

Psalm 30:11-12 (NLT)
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!

My Psalm:
I pray O Lord, that you will turn my mourning into joyful dancing. You will take away my clothes of mourning and clothe me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

After attending the victory group tonight (June 9), I feel lighter from the grief I still feel. While recounting to them the story of Dad’s wake in Masbate, I realized that it is only now that I am starting to mourn.

The past two weeks at the wake have been a family reunion actually, more than mourning. Thirty people composed of Mom’s siblings, our cousins and nephews, nieces arrived from Manila. An aunt came from Cebu. Cousins whom we seldom see travelled from Tacloban. More relatives trooped from Palanas, Dimasalang south of Masbate. And there are those from Aroroy, Batuhan, west of Masbate. Joy and Jerich travelled from Minnesota. Sam and I, Bong, Niqz, and our children, as well as Niqz’ father, travelled from Manila. Four batches in high school gathered at the wake with our high school teachers. Even old neighbors, church family spent hours chatting with us.
Relatives who came brought food, fresh catch from the sea, manually-grinded puto, freshly-baked bread and biscuits, newly harvested mangoes and a lot more.

After we buried Dad last Wednesday, we ordered a whole lechon for our relative’s lunch which was “gone in 60 seconds”. The day after, we learned that Niqz, Glen’s wife is pregnant. We shouted jubilant. Joyce is also 4 months pregnant. As gratitude to our relatives from Manila, we accepted our cousin’s invitation to go to Cadulan, a town in Dimasalang. We spent the that Thursday swimming in Boracay-like virgin resort, boating, and enjoying fresh buko, sea urchins, grilled fish, squid, octopus – all freshly-caught and juicy. They also cooked nilagang native chicken. We had pinakro- boiled bananas with cocomilk. Daddy loved the beach too and would have enjoyed it as much as we did, especially the small children.

On Friday, Joy decided to celebrate Jerich’s 3rd birthday party since our cousins and their children are still there. Daddy died on Jerich’s birthdate. It was a fun-filled afternoon with children’s games and much laughter which really brought comfort especially for Mom.

On Saturday, we were invited to an aunt’s place for merienda.

No void to wallow in grief. We were all busy receiving guests, friends, relatives, by taking turns 24/7. If we were not cooking, we were going to the market, cleaning the house, doing laundry, running errands, feeding our children or simply sharing meals with everyone. My brother Bong efficiently organized all workflow, budgeting, as well as meal schedules by organizing committees which made our tasks systematically in order. We even had a working schedule printed and posted on the wall to guide us daily. I composed a 48-slide PowerPoint slideshow honoring Daddy which I kept on editing whenever I would find a new picture from Mom’s photo albums. I also prepared the necrology service program and coordinated with the pastors. At night time we worshipped God and fellowshipped in the funeral services, where our very own Pastor Glen and Sam got to share the Word. We were praying that someone will hear the Word and accept Jesus in his heart as Lord and Savior.
Hours after Dad’s burial, an uncle confessed Jesus as his Lord and Savior. After Jerich’s party, a cousin also surrendered her life to Jesus. We also heard of others blessed and moved by observing the way we conducted the wake, even our testimonies in our eulogies. What answers to our prayers!

I cried at the Necrology and Committal service- because it was the last time we would see Daddy’s physical body. And because I was overwhelmed at how many relatives and friends came to pay their last respects and comfort our family. We prepared food at the Memorial Garden for 200 people and we heard there are a few who were not fed. While saying my eulogy, I choked thinking of the old times with him. And of gratefulness that he led us to the church where we met Jesus and now his legacy reaches multitudes and nations where we are led to go. I wept in joy when everyone sang and declared his favorite song: “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.”

After returning in Manila last Monday, June 7, until now, I feel the sadness over his loss. I cry in the shower. I end up staring blankly and remember him. I cannot focus on homeschooling and supervising some projects. There is peace and rejoicing in my heart that Jesus took him home; and in his glorified body, his legs are full and he is leaping and praising his Maker. But there is still the gripping pain in my heart that our Christmas reunions are not complete without him anymore. No one will scold us when the screen door is banged or the main gate left open. There is no one to nag about prohibited food when we are gathering. And no more smiles to greet us when we open the door at every homecoming. Since he was amputated, he occupied a corner in our living room that makes him the first one to be seen as we open the door.

My mourning has just begun. I wonder for how long? So I pray that Psalm above- looking forward to the time that God will replace our sadness with joy and our mourning with dancing.

For the meantime, writing/blogging helps me. I also created a few online photo albums in honor of him which I published in Facebook. Tonight I thought I was not ready to meet my victory group. I pushed myself to go and I am glad I went that I was able to share with them God’s goodness over the last days. And when I ministered to someone in need, I felt strength rushing back. I still want to be used by God in the midst of my grief and mourning.

The Lord is my strength and comfort. I am waiting on Him. I speak that this mountain of challenge will soon be hurled into the depths of the sea, replaced by a bright rainbow and warm overwhelming joy.

Daddy had decided to follow Jesus

At Dad's Necrology service, I was overwhelmed with everyone singing Daddy's favorite song: "I have decided to follow Jesus; no turning back, no turning back." After he was buried, an uncle, a cousin, other relatives decided to follow Jesus.

Missing Daddy

Daddy died at the age of 75 on May 24. He was diagnosed with diabetes when I was in college, over two decades ago. For the last five years he has been an amputee with below the knee amputation (BKA) on his right leg after his big toe contracted a wound infection. Two weeks’ worth of hospitalization and medication in Masbate and Manila was not able to revive his toes thus his doctors had no choice but to perform the operation.

He accepted the fact that he was one leg less but his life was never the same again. He used to be active even after his retirement. Being an athlete when he was younger, a hard-worker, he breezed through the hardships of life. He trained athletes in volleyball, chess and boxing when he was a teacher in MNCHS. He had a bicycle which he used daily for his routine of going to the market, doing errands, etc. Our eldest daughter was able to enjoy a few years with him in his strength.
After the amputation he chose to be confined in the home. Walking again with an artificial leg was never an option for him. He did not even like or tried the idea of using crutches to help him become mobile. He was comfortable in his walker and for those five years, he stayed and slept in a sofa bed in our living room in our house in Masbate.

When we came home from his interment and burial last Wednesday, our living room looked so big and weird. We miss the sofa bed that was his comfy haven as well as his ready smile to greet us always when we open the door. His area was also where his coffin was placed during the eight days of wake.

For the past days after burying him, this corner in the living room is now our conversation area. Where we reminisce and talk about his last days, and anything we think of. We miss Dad.